March 28, 2004

• there i was, sitting in their living room, waiting for Ronald to pick me & my gear up--watching my delusion as it took its last breath. i had it all wrong. completely wrong. and i saw that tonite, sitting on the sofa, helpless to see a relationship that had no intention of waning. seeing them together last nite and then again tonite, it dawned on me--the only arguments they've had recently probably all have to do with my unwelcomed intrusion into their otherwise picturesque life together. it was all in my head--everything. it must have been. it's not her fault that i misinterpreted things. she's just that alluring. good for her. not so good for me. cuz see, i'm now in the most unenviable of roles, playing understudy to the fool. in a haze of vodka and apple juice, i've come to the conclusion that i probably just found myself falling for someone that any guy would easily fall for. you know the type of women i'm talking about--the ones that we're always searching for, but never have the good sense to hold onto. she's like that, but better. and she's got me wishing i was better, too. but i can't do this anymore. i can't go on losing sight of all perspective because of what this girl makes me feel. so, i can't see her anymore. if you knew my situation, you'd agree that as juvenile and rash as that course of action might sound, it's the only available option for me to keep what's left of my dignity. i've fallen too deep into her and everytime i see her, i fall deeper. before i drown, i need to let go.
  and now, all i can think about is how i wish i could speak Dutch well enough to tell her all the things i want her to know; even if it served no other purpose than to have her understand how amazing she is. but she doesn't need me to tell her that--i'm sure he tells her everyday.
  
  THE END

  • 4:38 pm
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