April 13, 2004
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the last three days have been a bit bizarro. so i lose my phone--my life's blood. the huismeister ("slumlord") wants me out of the flat b/c he says i'm a health hazard to the other tenants. and then there's Sunday. Easter wasn't necessarily happy. before i start, i should first tell you that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing--in a good way, though. here, i'll explain. practically every relationship i've been in, i already knew where or how things would end up even before a month into it. i tend to think alot. taken out of context, that there probably reads real dumb. but its true. i consider myself a thoughtful person. and it's taken me awhile to admit to myself that when i find myself constantly and completely lost in my head, it means that i'm not being true to myself. let me put it this way: i can't remember ever not overthinking/overcomplicating things in a relationship. now, i readilly recognize that when it comes to exes, selective memory is a godsend. seriously though: for all the wrong reasons, at all the wrong times, with all the right girls. ok, usually, to one degree or another, there's some strategy involved b/w men & women. but when the mind games are endless, and you can't allow your brain to sleep for fear of fucking up, it's time to pull the plug.
now, i find myself in a situation with a certain someone, and i'm at a loss. i'm sure by know she's wondering why i get that semi-mentally challenged look on my face whenever she leans in for a kiss. there's virtually no chance for me to think, when she's around. before i can even think about regaining composure and cool, i see her and; a) i get cotton-mouth, b) i forget about myself, c) i lose my balance. by the time i find myself sitting next to her, all up in my personal space, i can barely put together a coherent sentence. ok, i'm maybe making a few generaliztions here. but you get the point.
moving along...i act like an idiot alot...bla bla bla...right. so, i got on a train to venlo to see her. i got off in utrecht to change trains and called her on a pay phone to let her know the train schedule. lateefa picks up the phone and orders me to get back on the train and go back to amsterdam. 1.5 hours later, i'm at the venlo train station. it's freezing. it's late. i'm alone in a strange town and there's a 60 year old local circling the area peepin on me. so i'm outside waiting for judith and this old guy comes up to me and asks me for change for the payphone outside. that's how it could've all ended badly for me. i tell him i need my change to make calls, and he gets back in his car and leaves. 1 hour later, still cold, still no judith. but, unfortunately, the guy returns to find me huddled in a dark corner next to a joint, for warmth. he starts a conversation, asking me all kinds of questions, until finally he tells me that he'll be back in 30 mins. and if i'm still there, he'd like to take me to his place for a spliff. long story short: i spent the next 3 hours dodging this potential Brian-rapist who was driving around hounding me like i was osama.
at around 4 in the morn, i get in touch with judith. by then, i had run into the hotel across from the metro to find shelter from the sodomy. she came by to my room, eventhough her friends had promised her mom that she wouldn't see me that night (out of respect for robert). we talked for hours. and that's all it took for me to find my answer--5 hours earlier, i had arrived not knowing why or for what reason i had taken the train down there, just listening to her voice provided the clarity.
oh, i forgot to mention that clarity was also provided by finding out that she had just broken up with robert the day before. not that that would've stopped me from taking the train to go see her. anyway, she's back in amsterdam. she's probably with Robert right now, tying up loose ends (i.e. the flat they share, the bank account they share, the little nameplate above their doorbell they share, etc.). i understand that he was a huge part of her life for 4+ years. i also understand that she was his entire life for 4+years. and i'm thinking, "there's no way he's going to go away so easily". it's only natural for her to still care about him--they've been through a lot together, i'm sure. so it makes sense that she wouldn't want to hurt or see him hurt, yeah? but it's also got me wondering where my place is in line. thinking about it, right now, kinda sucks.
but shit, it "warm" and sunny outside. and i've got a temporary mobile phone. everything's coming up Milhouse.
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