"beautiful, i just want you to know, you're my favorite girl"
happy graduation, sylvia!!!!
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living alone, by myself, is at a glance, endurable. living alone WITH myself, has proven to be far more of a chore. i lack the energy, on most days, to take care of minor details, all too laborious--packing, cleaning, eating, and the like. i sometimes sit up in my bed, not wanting to fall asleep, the keen awareness that if i do, i'll essentially be sleeping alone, broadcasting live and in stereo. i wonder, when i'm driving down the 10 at 5:30 in the morning, new day dawning and the sins of the previous night resounding, if in fact these are the times that define existence. that these moments of solitude, when the rest of the world is sound asleep in the comfort of their own creation; that these very haunting moments bring out the true significance of self. who are you when there's no one listening? what are you when no body is around to tell you that everything is going to be okay, exclaimed with their every presence, their very closeness? at times, it's too much of a mental and emotional exertion to even try and untie the knot in the corroded depths of my inner monologue. i want someone to help me. i want someone to let me help them. then fall asleep to the steady warmth of her beating lover's rock, the soothing lullaby of supple skin and butterfly kisses. there's nothing here for me, anymore. i need to go. i want to leave.
*banality reloaded*
went to see "north shore" screening at the nuart last nite with andrew, noah, and carol. turtle was there, and got up in front of the audience and spoke about some of his experiences during filming of the movie. they gave away shwag for trivia questions--andrew won some used softcore surfgirl porn. before the movie, andrew and i went to MINIBAR's album realease show at the troubadour--he works for their publicist so we got VIP access, and rocked the garrish green "VIP" bracelets for the rest of the night like wankers. i was pleasantly surprised by MINIBAR's performance--they actually do kick ass. -
*edit* i walked into the dining room to grab the latest newsweek to take into the crapper, and i hear the family computer running. i go over to turn it off, and i find this on the computer screen--a letter from my baby sis, christine (a.k.a. ninni). i miss them already.
ºê¶óÀ̾È!
Have a GREAT trip to the Lands of Nether! Be safe and learn a lot about music! Also, try to find a church and go every Sunday. If you can¡¯t, at least take time each day to do Quiet Time and PRAY! Be healthy and even though I¡¯m not there to bug you, try to cut down on smoking! I know I¡¯m annoying but I bug you ¡®cuz I care! Awww!
Try not to party or drink in excess and don¡¯t drink and drive!
We¡¯re all going to miss you and we¡¯re already counting the days until Christmas! Everything¡¯s gonna be ½ä·· without you!
Even though I didn¡¯t always show it, life¡¯s been a lot more fun around the house since you started living here again!
I¡¯ll miss you! Have a fun time and e-mail and call us!
Sincerely,
Your »ç¶ûÇÏ´Â ¶Ë»ý Christine
just dropped my family off at the airport. i'm all alone. one IS the loneliest number.
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guess what i found? old "journal" entries, pre-xanga. man, things have really changed since i wrote these. i was blind, but now i see. perspective--it's a mutha! lucky you, i'm posting them on xanga for all to get a glimpse of how human i can be. enjoy.
[NOTE: these have not been edited in anyway]
"12/22/01:
It`s good to see Diane again. Actually it was great. it seemed so long since i last saw her and even seemed longer before i`d see her again. and who knows when the next time will be. distance and time apart have only accelerated the clarity of the role of us in my future but i know that for her, there`s so much of her life she needs to see. what the hell am i talking about? so do i. but i see her in all of it. whatever or wherever, she`s there. sometimes she`s front and center. other times, she`s in the corner, occasionally out of focus but nevertheless undeniably present. present and fused in the scenery.
talking with her is a lesson in reality--reality not in the sense of anything factual but realness in the tangibility of meaning evoked from the truly significant things. that she is undeniably intelligent and irrefutably beautiful shows me that sometimes, compromise is not the way to go. i`ll continue this on the plane. they`re boarding.
7/2/02:
man, it?s been a long time since I actually had the energy to sit down and write to myself. This always seems to happen when I try and keep a journal. Truth is, I wonder how anyone has the time to really sit down and reflect on their surroundings/circumstances/etc. w/out somehpw sacrificing something?that something being the actual living of life, the real expereinece of experience. Anyway, my reasoning/excuse is that I?m so consumed in my daily ruminations that by the time I even start to think about logging the day?s revelations, I?m utterly sapped. No energy whatsoever. But I?m on the train now, on the way to see Andrew for the 4th?once again george flaked on his end of the deal (planning the trip to minnie?s pad in SF, not to mention his attendance?crucial!). work is a bit slow. Actually it?s been real slow for the last week or so. I?ve been so fucking bored just decomposing at home waiting, constantly waiting for there to be some progress in this D2 deal. I really shouldn?t get to down on myself. I mean just because stuff doesn?t turn out according to my schedule shouldn?t mean that things are taking a turn for the worst, right? Werd. So once again I?m in a holding pattern which reeks of past airport standby fiascos. And I hate the airport! Being at home lost it?s charm awhile ago. Don?t get me wrong, it beats starving in Oakland but I can do without the constant pampering (weird) and how everyone is all up in my space, hovering all the time. my time at home has thus far only led to one concrete realization which is that independence is truly undervalued. I need it like a crackhead who?s gone 3 hours without the hubba.
Anyway, I think the one thing that?s keeping me in this rut of self-loathing and malaise is not being in shape. Actually not being ripped. j/p. but really do?, that?s exactly it. And I think the sooner I get to where I want to be in that regard, a lot of the other shit/issues will fall into place (read:perspective). I know it will. And a note to self: don?t be discouraged if you don?t see mind shattering reulsts right away, it? about a lifestyle change more than it is a quick fix.
In terms of the other thing that always weighs heavy on my mind (aka. Diane), it?s still hard to deal with. And the thing I?m dealing with has less to do with reality than it does my imagination. Which for me will do just fine. I mean realy, is there a big difference? Perception is 90% reality, right? Just the thought of her with someone else, feeling the same feelings she felt when she was with me, making the same expressions, all that drives me fucking nuts. And maybe it also has to do with the growing realization that she doesn?t feel the same or won?t feel the same around me as she used to. But I guess that?s the way things go. I just can?t for the life of me figure out why I was compelled to think that she and I had something special, something lasting. Maybe time will tell. It?s just that I have a hard time trusting time, cuz there?s so much of it and who knows what can happen in the in between time. I always lean towards the negative aspects of this, which I?ve been prone to, but I really want to see the other side of the coin. And I just pray that diane does too. That she thinks about us in the future. That she thinks about me when she?s alone. And even when she?s around other people. I hope that unbeknownst to my pessimistic cynicisms, she holds on to the possibility of us. And I ask God to let me know if and when I should give up---but don?t they say to never give up hope? We?ll see." -
A Demi Nu
Nouma mie ton mini mal manie mal sa manou
L'amour nous manie telle manie marions-nous
Ma lune demie elle est ma lune
Et elle émane une pure caresse de dune,
Goutte manile de manie, jamais nue à demi,
Elle m'a mis à nu, elle, Emma, est ma nana,
Jamais ma nounou sommes compris celui qu'est le plus abruti
Est l'homme que de servir la femme un jour le pourri.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
J'étais plus sage et, la fille bien plus âgée.
Une teen intéressée parce qu'en sexe on dit mon peuple usagé...
Victime...
D'abord c'était quoi ?
2, 3 baisers volés.
Nos affaires volent et nous voilà volets fermés,
Tous voeux dévoilés...
«Hé ! Aurais - tu de quoi couvrir l'ami Paul ?»
«Hein ! Hein !»
C'est là qu'elle me pointe une montagne de capotes.
Au lit, j'ai fait tiep comme un gars de «téç» poli.
1. J'étais mort,
2. Elle amère,
3. Et moi, marre d'être au lit ...
Plus raffinée, plus douce et plus subtile.
Selon moi, j'avais trouvé la fille,
Encore immaculée, avec respect je patientais.
Mais lors d'un rendez - vous à la gare de sa ville,
Je vois son ex qui me dit : «elle s'en bon la vanille !».
Un parfum que j'avais moi - même acheté,
Odeur que tout le quartier connaît.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
C'était prédit, mon body et mes dix doigts,
A son dos nu, je devais être ready.
Je suis en ébats alors qu'elle se déshabille.
Dans ses yeux, l'offre d'ébats.
Je suis ébahi.
Elle me téma dans mes mathématiques,
Me dit : « pas de panique !
Lâche les cinématiques !
Sur l'instantané, je peux même pas imiter.
Intimidé, je perdrai mon intimité dans la matinée.
C'était à je ne sais quelle saison,
Environ 15/16 ans, ému comme Kersozon.
De ma traversée, j'étais aux anges.
Malgré l'odeur du zoo,
Je marquais son corps de ma bouche en losange.
En fond, le son c'était pas Gun's Roses, c'était Boys Men.
J'avais du mal à avoir le gros zizi mais je jouais le cow-boy quand même.
J'ai dégaine (1 fois), dégainé (2 fois).
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Ben !
J'ai bien senti qu'elle me mentait.
(Elle m?a) menti.
J'étais l'élu bien trop gentil (et m'u) tilisait pour scandaliser.
(Elle m'a hu) milié.
P't'être que j'ai dû trop gesticuler, vu l'état d'mes cellules après l'déluge.
Ben, j'allais parler mal d'elle, ça les f'rait marrer.
J'avais peut être jamais taper, je l'avoue, j'avais les boules qu'on calées.
Quelle malédiction salée...
Moi - même j'hallucinais !
Fallait m'voir passer dans la classe, vanner cette garce damnée.
Quand je vois l'âge qu'on avait, quelle belle année !
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu.
Quand elle s'est mise à demi nue,
Elle m'a émue,
Elle m'a eu. -
*edit* unless i recover from last night's gig, by some miracle of Jah, i doubt i'll make it all the way out to costa mesa tonite. but if there's anything else worth checking out tonite in the l.a./hollywood area, i think i can manage it.
*edit* friends don't let friend's forget to join the Mental Floss Massive blogring. friends. how many of us have them? friends. one's that join your blogring.
*edit* i'm selling both of my digital cameras. any takers? one's a Sony cybershot with 3.3 megapixels, 3X optical zoom, 128MB memory stick, 2 extra rechargeable batteries, camera case, and 2 lense filters. the other one is my Toshiba PDR-T10 [a.k.a. SORA] with the original packaging. give me an offer i can't refuse, please.
everyone go check this show out--especially all my X(anga)-men and women. i'm leaving these here parts for good on the 18th, so this might be the last occasion we get to kick it. [solitary tear runs down left cheek] here's the link for more info:
www.nikaoyouthproject.com
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my current beef: girls who wear their thongs at waist-level while their pants are holding onto their ass (or lack thereof) for dear life. i remember a time when guys would get shit who sagged their pants. now, for some reason, ladies get the go ahead on buttfloss baggies. i guess the prosty look is in.
candice got us tickets to the z-trip/mixmaster mike show at UCLA on friday. weak sauce showing. they had a sweet ass set-up--dope visuals, tite sound system, big venue. but less than a third of the the hall was full. and i hate it when i go to a show like this, and everyone's just standing around watching. c'mon now! waitin' for the dj to let my bodyrock. dj provides. fools just stand around like it's a sidewalk magician show. after leaving the show kinda early, went over to nate dawg's to spin at the afterparty. didn't drive homeward until 7AM, and as i'm on the road i realize i have a haircut appointment at 8AM. luckily it was at 8:30--first time i've been early/on-time for one of those. i felt bad for the guy who cut my hair--i must've smelled like shitcakes. actually, to be accurate, i smelled like crotch funk & toe jazz, smokes and Fabreezy fo' sheezy. to spite me, he gave me a wack ass haircut.
last night, i met up with ciara, candice, soyon, and cathy and moonwalked on over to starshoes. playas gon' play and haters gon' hate. you know how WE do. all i have to say is our waitress gave me free drinks. one draw back to going out solo with a group of higgity hot girls is having to maneuver around the stampede of guys trying to holla at 'em. it's like the running of the bulls in pamplona. uhh, well not exactly. the other ladies in the club definitely take notice though. but then again, they always do. what can i say? i got those dancing feet. so, i realized that for a minute, now, i haven't posted anything remarkably prophetic or even poetic. it seems that pain is the missing catalyst. lately, i've been high on life (they don't sell that by the ounce), like never before, and i rarely stop to let ignorant people and inopportune mishaps singe the skin. ain't nothin gonna hold me down. oh no. i gotta keep on movin. and i have but one presence to thank--the one and only G-O-D. who gwan test?!?!
{here's a pic that candice took after the show on friday. the excitement is written all up on my grill. so as you can see, weak sauce. no preservatives. no additives. 100% pure, all natural weak sauce.}
*~FYI: that's Pee Wee Kirkland on my shirt~*
by the by, i'm on friendster: CalcuLust. let the circle be unbroken. -
i'm baaaaaack. God truly works in mysterious ways. so i got back to l.a. a day later than scheduled b/c air france decided to cancel all their flights and i wasn't smart enough to reconfirm my flight and i found out at the airport, after having skipped breakfast and sprinted to catch my flight.
i went back to the flying pig and luckily they had a room. during that extra day, i somehow managed to become king of the hostel. not only was i telling myself that i wouldn't have met all the chill people that i did if my flight hadn't been canceled, everyone else was telling me the same thing. only the day before, i was too out of it to make any conversation, let alone actually meet people. and it was that last day in amsterdam that stamped the perspective on things that i had been thinking about during my trip. i couldn't stop smiling, even sometimes laughing, at how much of a blessing my time in amsterdam will be and is. not only is the opportunity to pursue music amazing, but i get this indismissable feeling that moving out to amsterdam, specifically, is a gift from God. say what you will about amsterdam's notoriety, it is what it is but it's only, in my eyes, a sliver of what amsterdam can be. i felt as if my creativity was getting a jumpstart, and i can't waiting for it to realize it's potential during my year (maybe more?) there. hasta luego.
i just saw bruce almighty. i cried a little.
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