IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I LEFT YOU WITHOUT A LOG LINE TO STEP TO...
BUT IT'LL HAVE TO BE A BIT LONGER. I HAVEN'T HAD THE URGE OR THE TIME TO UPDATE MY PAGE IN AWHILE. I'VE GOT A CACHE OF PHOTOS I STILL HAVEN'T POSTED BUT I'M SURE I'LL DO THAT WHEN I GET A CHANCE TO BREATH. OH AND I'LL POST SOME MP3s OF WHAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON ALL THIS TIME--IN THE BETWEEN TIME, CHECK OUT THE SITES OF SOME OF THE BANDS I'VE BEEN PRODUCING & RECORDING:
MELOMANICS--www.melomanics.com
SKIP THE RUSH--www.skiptherush.nl
ROGUE--www.r-o-g-u-e.nl
ANYWAY, MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO VISIT ME FROM FRANKFURT TOMORROW. IT'S THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE VISITED ME IN AMSTERDAM SINCE I LEFT L.A. A YEAR AGO. I'M THOROUGHLY EXCITED. I'VE MISSED THEM SOMETHING FIERCE. MISS MY BABY SIS' TOO--SHE LEFT FOR JAPAN LAST WEEK. IT'S HER FIRST TIME SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME (AKA. MY MOM). HOPEFULLY, I'LL GET TO SNEAK A VISIT TO HER WHEN I'M OVER THERE THIS SUMMER. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY SUMMER AGENDA. AND IT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
JULY 15TH--GOING GOING BACK BACK TO CALI CALI.
JULY 22-30--NIPPON TOUR
JULY 31-AUGUST 4--SEOUL, KOREA
AUGUST 4-11TH--HONG KING KONG (?)
AUGUST 11-30TH--LOS ANGELES
AND THEN IT'S BACK TO AMSTERDAM. SO FOR ALL MY FELLOS AND FELLAS WHO STILL HAVEN'T MANAGED TO SELL ENOUGH LEMONADE AND GIRL SCOUT COOKIES TO COME VISIT ME IN MY KINGDOM OF BOHEMIAN SPOILS, YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE YEAR. MAKE IT HAPPEN. ALWAYS HOT.
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it's all gravy.
she took down the label above the doorbell that they shared.i know that it's egotistical to think that she did this with me in mind. but when i take a step back and look at all the shit that she's had to go through since i entered her life, i'm left utterly speechless and completely humbled--no one's ever given up so much to be w/ me. it might not make any sense to you, but it means the world to me.
the countless little things she does, which she probably isn't aware of, make me wonder what i've done to deserve her affections. it's inevitable--the issue of time, i mean. how long will i stay here? when will i leave for Australia? i'm sure she's wondered the same thing.
the present reality we're basking in is too bright and too incredible to sour with needless open-ended questions about an unseen future. because, see, the future is the 'tomorrow' that we help create today. the future, and the answers to those questions, will come eventually--i'm just trying to make today last 24 hours.
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i don't have time for "maybe".
life waits for no one.
show me why i should.
i'm nearing the end of my attention span.
my thoughts are needed elsewhere.silly judith. tricks are for kids.
VIRGO
(21 Aug - 20 Sept)april 2004
Mercury, your ruling planet, spends most of the month retrograde. This means that planning, research, and legitimacy are of even greater importance than usual. Take the initiative to back up each statement with incontrovertible facts. Others may not recognize how important accuracy and research are. You, however, fully understand the connection between respect and ethics, and make them your primary focus this month. In time, your efforts will reveal unexpected truths that bolster one individual's prestige but may undermine another's. If you can uncover the truth and document your claims, you have incredible power and influence. Truth is more coveted than oil or gold or diamonds during this phase. If you're a journalist, this could be a momentous time in your career. Don't jump the gun, no matter what sort of astonishing information you access. Remember: follow the facts and be objective. You're getting a crash course in detachment. Without it, you'll be tempted to make assumptions or release information that is still evolving. Venus gives you favorable entry to influential people and excellent information. Put truth ahead of ego or self-interest this month. You've got what it takes to uncover an incredible set of circumstances. One person actually can make a difference; and this month, that person is YOU. At times, you may feel scared or question the risk or sacrifice that truth telling may demand. You can do this, Virgo. Others will pitch in and help - and work tirelessly. You're on a mission. . . .
LEO
(21 July - 20 August)april 2004
You're eager, even anxious, to change your life. Things may not happen as quickly as you want them to, but significant change is already afoot. Your career, reputation, and relationship status may be shapeshifting, even if you don't yet recognize it. Mercury spends most of the month retrograding through a very sensitive point in your chart, giving you second thoughts about long term goals, and is likely to challenge your definition of what constitutes home and family. Don't chafe at April's delays. Each one is protective and preventative, particularly where reputation and status are concerned. The Solar Eclipse on the 19th brings a boost, probably a promise of support that won't be immediately available. Bide your time. April is your tune-up month - a time to make everything right before a very busy summer and fall. Don't allow temporary postponements to undermine self-confidence. Timing, dear Leo, really is everything. View each schedule change as a blessing in disguise.
what's yo pleasure?
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the last three days have been a bit bizarro. so i lose my phone--my life's blood. the huismeister ("slumlord") wants me out of the flat b/c he says i'm a health hazard to the other tenants. and then there's Sunday. Easter wasn't necessarily happy. before i start, i should first tell you that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing--in a good way, though. here, i'll explain. practically every relationship i've been in, i already knew where or how things would end up even before a month into it. i tend to think alot. taken out of context, that there probably reads real dumb. but its true. i consider myself a thoughtful person. and it's taken me awhile to admit to myself that when i find myself constantly and completely lost in my head, it means that i'm not being true to myself. let me put it this way: i can't remember ever not overthinking/overcomplicating things in a relationship. now, i readilly recognize that when it comes to exes, selective memory is a godsend. seriously though: for all the wrong reasons, at all the wrong times, with all the right girls. ok, usually, to one degree or another, there's some strategy involved b/w men & women. but when the mind games are endless, and you can't allow your brain to sleep for fear of fucking up, it's time to pull the plug.
now, i find myself in a situation with a certain someone, and i'm at a loss. i'm sure by know she's wondering why i get that semi-mentally challenged look on my face whenever she leans in for a kiss. there's virtually no chance for me to think, when she's around. before i can even think about regaining composure and cool, i see her and; a) i get cotton-mouth, b) i forget about myself, c) i lose my balance. by the time i find myself sitting next to her, all up in my personal space, i can barely put together a coherent sentence. ok, i'm maybe making a few generaliztions here. but you get the point.
moving along...i act like an idiot alot...bla bla bla...right. so, i got on a train to venlo to see her. i got off in utrecht to change trains and called her on a pay phone to let her know the train schedule. lateefa picks up the phone and orders me to get back on the train and go back to amsterdam. 1.5 hours later, i'm at the venlo train station. it's freezing. it's late. i'm alone in a strange town and there's a 60 year old local circling the area peepin on me. so i'm outside waiting for judith and this old guy comes up to me and asks me for change for the payphone outside. that's how it could've all ended badly for me. i tell him i need my change to make calls, and he gets back in his car and leaves. 1 hour later, still cold, still no judith. but, unfortunately, the guy returns to find me huddled in a dark corner next to a joint, for warmth. he starts a conversation, asking me all kinds of questions, until finally he tells me that he'll be back in 30 mins. and if i'm still there, he'd like to take me to his place for a spliff. long story short: i spent the next 3 hours dodging this potential Brian-rapist who was driving around hounding me like i was osama.
at around 4 in the morn, i get in touch with judith. by then, i had run into the hotel across from the metro to find shelter from the sodomy. she came by to my room, eventhough her friends had promised her mom that she wouldn't see me that night (out of respect for robert). we talked for hours. and that's all it took for me to find my answer--5 hours earlier, i had arrived not knowing why or for what reason i had taken the train down there, just listening to her voice provided the clarity.
oh, i forgot to mention that clarity was also provided by finding out that she had just broken up with robert the day before. not that that would've stopped me from taking the train to go see her. anyway, she's back in amsterdam. she's probably with Robert right now, tying up loose ends (i.e. the flat they share, the bank account they share, the little nameplate above their doorbell they share, etc.). i understand that he was a huge part of her life for 4+ years. i also understand that she was his entire life for 4+years. and i'm thinking, "there's no way he's going to go away so easily". it's only natural for her to still care about him--they've been through a lot together, i'm sure. so it makes sense that she wouldn't want to hurt or see him hurt, yeah? but it's also got me wondering where my place is in line. thinking about it, right now, kinda sucks.
but shit, it "warm" and sunny outside. and i've got a temporary mobile phone. everything's coming up Milhouse.
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(this is torture. slow, deep, definitive torture.)
by the way, fool never showed up at my flat last nite. which is a good thing, on all accounts. i just wish i hadn't wasted money on renting nunchucks (sp?) and bodybags.
someone in Amsterdam, as of today, has officially claimed ownership of my mobile phone. i feel vulnerable. must find phone thief. need access to mobile telecommunications. can't function! system failure! please quit all activities and restart your life.
(Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!)
damn you SIM card phonebook!!! damn you!!! the only dutch phone numbers i know are my own and the silly SMS Snel Sex hotline numbers. and that's only because the commercials come on the TV daily, and for 30 mins. at a time. but wouldn't you know it? the only OTHER number i have, by sheer luck, is judith's, written on the back of her store's business card. but, i can't call her b/c i already told her i'd see her when she got back to Amsterdam.
(Fortune Kroket say: "pride and short-term memory loss will be your downfall.")
i think i'm having withdrawal pains and there are only 2 things i can think of that will make things better: 1) her; &/or 2) broodtje kroket. i've already had 3 of the latter, today. i swear, if i eat another broodtje kroket, i'm gonna be pissing goulache. judith, hurry up and get yo ass back to the city and save me from death-by-FEBO! A.U.B.
(Today's lesson: "technology is my pimp. me love you long time.")
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