August 9, 2003
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*edit* i got my first haircut in close to 3 months. the girl didn’t speak english all that well, which proved to be disasterous–she gave me a girl’s haircut.
*edit*i’ve been feeling real antisocial as of late. and the fact that i don’t know anyone here yet, just amplifies my desperado-esque tendencies (read: anyone that i can relate to). hopefully i’ll snap out of it–nate’s coming through from L.A. to crash at my place for the next week and giselle (aka. WAVERLYMARIE) is rolling through next weeknd with some girls of hers.
damn, damn, damn, damn. i’m back, ladies and gentlemen. but my soul tires and my thoughts bleed. i’m weary–weary of waiting and wondering. weary of my place in MY life. nonsensical? not really. a recurring conflict i have is on the issue of progress, my current beef lying with the fact that i’m not making any (or is it that the progress is slower and less detectible than previously anticipated). i know, i know–patience, brian. everything in it’s due time. steady as she goes. blah blah blah.
i really wish i had my gear with me. i just got back from Melkweg for a dancehall/hip hop weekly. with all due respect (which isn’t much), the DJ sucked donkey nuts. now, anyone who knows me knows that i’m modest like mouse. but when i see someone, trying to pass themselves off as a professional, somehow spinning at one of the largest venues in amsterdam, train wreck after train wreck, something just snaps inside me. in Hong Kong i saw this. in L.A. i saw this. at Brown i saw this. and now here. me, envious? no. but i get frustrated with myself b/c in many cases, the only thing keeping me from doing the other guys’ job bigger and better is a disdain for ass kissing. blame my father for my pride. like i said before, i don’t believe in smoozing. i don’t believe in false pretenses. and maybe these are some of the reasons why i stay away from “scenes” and “scenesters” like the plague. i don’t mind that i don’t fit in anywhere–it makes sense. i’m more complex than a rubix cube, wrapped in M.C. Escher wrapping paper, tied together with a Dali ribbon. and i like me that way. but sometimes, i want to know what it’s like to release myself from this concerted integrity, to drain the well of conscience and become as shallow as the massive. i want to know what it’s like to objectify someone without hesitation. but i know i could never do that. and right now, in this moment, it bothers me to no end.
fuck it. i’m gonna get that gig.
Comments (3)
last paragraph is me too. i think its my destiny to never truly belong anywhere, anyhow but cant help feeling like im missing out. it gets frustrating when u have no one that “understands.” and considering that uve been feeling antisocial that might be why it bothers u more than usual. or maybe that’s why ur antisocial. chicken or egg? *shrug
-the shrink.
p.s. ur uh wallpaper is oh so odd.
i remember when i moved out to california i didn’t have my shit for six months and i thought i was going crazy. one good thing that happened was that i met a lot of people who did have tables so i could appease my addiction at least temporarily. one bad thing that happened was that i had to deal with a lot of those people. but keeping one’s integrity is indepedent from the bullshit. it isn’t necessary to be your own hype man in order to flex. what is necessary is having a second party that is willing to listen with eyes and ears wide open. generally, i find promoters to be the worst kind of people. with venue owners not far behind. but as you know, do what you do and things will fall into place. the old, ‘if you build they will come’ shit. i mean, c’mon, think about it this way, you could still be in America.
ok so I duno if you’ve seen this… but since ur aliases were so similar… Your imposter… or is it the other way around?