*edit* i got my first haircut in close to 3 months. the girl didn't speak english all that well, which proved to be disasterous--she gave me a girl's haircut.
*edit*i've been feeling real antisocial as of late. and the fact that i don't know anyone here yet, just amplifies my desperado-esque tendencies (read: anyone that i can relate to). hopefully i'll snap out of it--nate's coming through from L.A. to crash at my place for the next week and giselle (aka. WAVERLYMARIE) is rolling through next weeknd with some girls of hers.
damn, damn, damn, damn. i'm back, ladies and gentlemen. but my soul tires and my thoughts bleed. i'm weary--weary of waiting and wondering. weary of my place in MY life. nonsensical? not really. a recurring conflict i have is on the issue of progress, my current beef lying with the fact that i'm not making any (or is it that the progress is slower and less detectible than previously anticipated). i know, i know--patience, brian. everything in it's due time. steady as she goes. blah blah blah.
i really wish i had my gear with me. i just got back from Melkweg for a dancehall/hip hop weekly. with all due respect (which isn't much), the DJ sucked donkey nuts. now, anyone who knows me knows that i'm modest like mouse. but when i see someone, trying to pass themselves off as a professional, somehow spinning at one of the largest venues in amsterdam, train wreck after train wreck, something just snaps inside me. in Hong Kong i saw this. in L.A. i saw this. at Brown i saw this. and now here. me, envious? no. but i get frustrated with myself b/c in many cases, the only thing keeping me from doing the other guys' job bigger and better is a disdain for ass kissing. blame my father for my pride. like i said before, i don't believe in smoozing. i don't believe in false pretenses. and maybe these are some of the reasons why i stay away from "scenes" and "scenesters" like the plague. i don't mind that i don't fit in anywhere--it makes sense. i'm more complex than a rubix cube, wrapped in M.C. Escher wrapping paper, tied together with a Dali ribbon. and i like me that way. but sometimes, i want to know what it's like to release myself from this concerted integrity, to drain the well of conscience and become as shallow as the massive. i want to know what it's like to objectify someone without hesitation. but i know i could never do that. and right now, in this moment, it bothers me to no end.
fuck it. i'm gonna get that gig.
Uncategorized
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our roadtrip is nearing a close. after having driven 12 hours from Barcelona to Bologna, we were greeted with some down home hospitality. me and damien crashed at stephania and alex's place--when i think of a "european" apartment, i think of their place. the two of them went out of their way to show us a good time and give us a glimpse of the blessed life they lead in this picturesque city. yesterday, alex and steph took us around dowtown, inside the old city walls. we chilled at and around Piazza Maggiore, went to San Domenico cathedral, saw the "7 churches", ate some bombass pizza, toured the new multimedia library, tried to make it into the old anatomy musuem but it was closed, and generally had an irreplicable time. we decided it would be nice to buy the couple dinner, so we all went to this nice osteria in the quarter where the art students at the university bologna live and traffic. after 2 bottles of red wine, 2 bottles of white, enough crostini and bruschetta to feed a whole village, 3 different types of pasta later, we decided to meet up with the couple's other flatmate, francesco, in one of the countless piazzi for beers, smoke, music, and chatter. then, as if that wasn't enough, we all piled into our rental car, and steph drove us to this pool hall where alex and she are members. we had the whole place to ourselves and needless to say we made the most of it. more drinking, more chatter, and a couple of ice cream cones. on the car ride back, the fellas all lost their lids to some debaucherous sing-along sessions to doggystyle, afterwhich we woke up the entire city with a prolonged cypher over mason's instrumentals. the night couldn't have gone any better. not even a little bit. i feel, and i think the other fellas would agree, that each port of call that we've hit up on our travels has out "wowed" the previous locale/experience. and i think it's only fitting that we find ourselves in bologna, chilling with alex and steph and having the greatest time. it's the most appropriate bookend to our 3 week roadtrip. we leave tomorrow morning to head back to amsterdam, where it all started.
one of the things i've learned on this trip is how much more amazing my true friends are (which is hard to fathom given the fact that they're the shit to begin with). each and everyone of us is unique and different--from our appearance, to our interests, to our style, and even out geographic location. to paint a little picture, let me break down the motley crew in bologna: jeremy is from d.c., studied political science at brown, pitched for the baseball team, started a non-profit political e-zine (www.401cypher.org) for providence youth, and is starting the international relations masters program at new school in september. damien is from dublin, studied psychology at brown, was captain of the track team, worked with and counselled IV drug users after graduation, and is now in his second year at trinity college (university of dublin) finishing up his masters in counselling psychology. mason studied spanish literture and history at cornell, got his master's in teaching at brooklyn college and now teaches at a bilingual primary school in brooklyn. alex graduated in fine arts from brown and is now teaching english in bologna where he lives with steph, who just finished her PHD in clynical psychology.
alot of mindless people waste too much time stressing over WHO they know, what type of "connections" they have, who can get them into the [fill in blank] scene/club/etc.. i think it's how well you know YOURSELF that everyone should focus on, because at the end of the day, you're on your own and this life belongs to YOU. to me, those people are who i can relate to the most, the ones that can offer me any meaningful perspective on integrity and substance. all the others are just background noise. press the mute button and play on. play, play on. -
*edit* i´m in MADRID right now. we got in last night after having spent one night in SAN SEBASTIAN and an impromtu rest in PARIS to see kyuri. Tomorrow, we leave for SEVILLE. it´s 3 nights there, then BARCELONA, MARBELLA, BOLOGNA, and back to where it all started, AMSTERDAM. so far, so great. i´ll have more time to reflect and post pics when i get back home in a couple of weeks. i just wanted to relay this one particular life altering experience damien and i had last week while we were all chilling in vondelpark. we, meaning people, move around too much. the frenetic pace of life, a pace that we knowingly set for ourselves, betrays the living of our lives--to live, not merely exist. damien and i stayed in the exact same spot in the park, gazing out at life happening around us, above us, and in us, for 5 unfettered hours. all i wanted to do was to see how the progression of a day looked from one stationary location. and it was fantastic. and i´ve never wanted to be in a moment, and stay in that moment, ever before. i will remember that day for the rest of my life. i gotta go now.
I SAW GOD.
I OVERSTOOD LIFE.
I UNCOVERED THE GIFT.
I WITNESSED THE ONENESS.
AND I AM FOREVER CHANGED.
I AM FOREVER CHANGED.
TUESDAY, JULY 15 2003 [Vondelpark, AMSTERDAM]
"I understand life, now, on a whole other level."--Damien
"I wish I could share this experience, this moment, with everyone. But I know the only way they´ll ever understand is to see for themselves."--Damien
"This is amazing. This is fucking amazing."--Damien
"This is the MOST perfect day I have ever had. I have never known harmony and true beauty until this day. Everything is a blessing. And I am so grateful. I am so grateful."--Brian
"I don´t have the words. There are no words."--Brian
"I´ve found heaven. It´s everywhere. It´s all around us. Just LOOK."--Brian
"Unbelievable."--Damien
"Unbelievable."--Brian
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*edit* 4 essential summer songs for the working and the otherwise weary. just to get by. just to get by.
1) 4HERO ft. Jill Scott--"ANOTHER DAY"
2) Ritchy Pitch ft. Apani B. Fly--"EVERYDAY"
3) Roy Hargrove presents The RH Factor ft. Stephanie McKay--"FORGET REGRET"
4) King Britt ft. Ivana Santilli--"SUPERSTAR"
Do yourself a favor and jusslissen.
i just got back in from the NORTH SEA JAZZ FESTIVAL in Den Haag. i've been up for close to 24hrs. i'm sittin' up in my room...wearing nothing but a smile.
imag(in)e:
~running late and on little sleep~
~one 50min. train ride later~
~permanent & big~
~inspired perspiration: Mr. Roy Hargrove~
~selected artwork hanging in various halls of the venue~
[note: more to come in approx. 8-14 hours]
*addendum* i had a chance at the end of the night, to talk to/take a photo with Roy Hargrove--he was literally 2 feet away from me! but in a moment's hesitation, the opportunity was lost. i agonized over the possibilities lost due to my retarded reaction time. but i later figured there's no point in that. instead, i've promised myself to never let that happen again, with anything. that's no way to live. there are no such thing as second chances. believe it.
on a lighter note, steve-o was being interviewed by some VJ on MTV Netherlands, today. the whole interview, which lasted through several commercials and videos, was just the VJ asking steve-o to taste test 7 joints rolled with various strains of weed. oh, and they show softcore porn on basic cable everynight. is this, or is this not, some alternate dimension? now, more photos from the festival.
~"you are now rockin' with the best"~
~a sneak peek at the new Audi A1!
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*edit* i have to get up at 7AM and i can't sleep. i feel limbless without my decks, senseless without my crates. i reminisce infectious.
*edit* my dutch class is progressing famously. but in classic B.Lee form, i haven't done any of the homework up 'til now (some things never change). today in class, we reviewed, among other things, the ins and outs of commerce. it went a little something like this*:
Rombaut (mijn leraar): Brian, wat kosten ok goedkoop in Amsterdam? [Brian, what is also cheap [to buy] in Amsterdam]
Me: Drogs kosten ok goedkoop in Amsterdam. [Drugs are also cheap [to buy] in Amsterdam.]
Rombaut (mijn leraar): Heel goed, Brian! Naturalijkt, drogs kosten ok goedkoop in Amsterdam! [Very good, Brian! Of course, drugs are also cheap [to buy] in Amsterdam]
*this grammar probably sucks, but what do you expect? i've had 3 lessons, so far.
~~i said i'm sorry xanga. i never meant to hurt you. i never meant to make you cry but tonite i'm cleaning up my blogrings.
~~L.A. Unified D.O.R.K.ESTRA--"One Blogring to Rule Them All; One Blogring to Find Them"
JOIN!!! You join now!!!
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christmas came early this year. i've been checking my mailbox everyday for the last week and a half, waiting for my check card to come from my local bank. i finally got it today, but apparently i have to sign and send in a receipt back to the bank before they can activate my pin-code. ugh. but i digress. yesterday, to my utter elation, i received a postcard from jen (aka jenniferpark). super sweet. and today, alongside my ATM card, i got a package from none other than janice (aka VOICEOPWOOD). she sent me pairs upon pairs of new glistening/plush white athletic socks, protein/meal replacement powder, multi-vitamins, and energy bars. i am well on my way to becoming a lean mean lady luvin' machine.
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"Memories don't live like people do
They always remember you
Whether things are good or bad, its just the memories
Memories don't live like people do-o
Baby don't forget me, I'm a travellin' man
Movin through places, space and time
Gotta lotta things i got to do
God willin' I'm comin back to you
My baby boo
I'm leavin"--MOS DEF
it's 4PM. i've been sitting in class since 11AM. i'm bored. i took myself off my crazy pills about 2.5 months ago, and my ADHD is back in full force. well actually, i've deconstructed the source of my attention defficiency as 90% boredom. for example, the stuff we're learning in class is all review for me. shit's easy. and if it happens to be new material, it takes a heartbeat to figure it out and then i'm left to maneuver through my own meandering ruminations until the instructor calls for a smoke break. and it's these lapses in interest that speed into motion, the unrelenting wheel of nostalgia. and today's bout of reminiscence is brought to you by the letter D. i haven't spoken/written to or heard from this girl in 8 months, largely due to my own resolve. and, to me, it's almost like a war of attrition--in this case, me against my own will power. or maybe it's something else entirely. i've moved on, and it's clear that she has, too. so what the fuck am i still doing thinking about her? well, if anyone knows how to shut off my big brain, please contact our customer relations staff and they'll be more than happy to put you on hold. people talk about closure as if it's something that can be quantified. as if thoughts and memories can be so precisely measured as to assign an expiration date to feelings once flamed. fact is, i don't know what i'd say to her if we spoke. i don't know what i'd think of her if i saw her, again.
i started reading comic books when i was in elementary school. every week, my brother and i would get an allowance of $5 and we'd immediately run down to wahoo comics on honolulu blvd. and buy the latest marvel or dc comic. my favorite character was wolverine. not only did he have hair like me, but he was canadian. and at the time, i was enchanted with everything canadian (i.e. playing ice hockey, wayne gretzky, phoebe cates). but now, i look back and wonder if it wasn't wolverine's healing powers that i didn't envy. unlike a lot of people i know, my wounds take longer to heal (read: emotional scars). for this reason, i've been left in the dust, on many an ocassion, when it comes to packing up my intimate attachments gone awry, and moving on. and so, i find myself here. now. and i'm wondering how many more birthdays i have to see, how much more of life i have to live before my emotional metabolism steps up a few notches. for the most part, i haven't "dated" anyone since things fell apart with her. it's been over 1.5 years. this, my friends, is time enough, don't you think? you'd think so. but, i've got the recovery statistics of a hemophiliac. and it's this idea that you can tidy attachments into modular memories and my subsequent inability to do so, that's got me unsettled. why? because i'm used to being able to figure out anything, to make sense of practically everything. but in this, i've conceded defeat.
wisdom accrued is undeniable. but what good is wisdom in a world where there are no rules, only exceptions?
some things don't warrant an explanation, i guess. and others just can't be explained. so, let's just chalk this xanga entry up to boredom and leave it at that.
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